That Time When I Thought I Could Walk ...

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

BY:  SNOW PATROL

*******************************************************************************

I miss Joey; it kind of sucks.  You know those things that you just want to tell your best friend, the one you love, your other half?  And when you roll over in the middle of the night and you just want to whisper “I love you”?  You know those feelings I’m talking about?  I’ve been having those lately.  I don’t know why, it could be a combination of my big, fat, crippled knee and the medication, but I just started crying when I was praying for our troops and for Joey’s safety.  And then I just kept crying.  I finally fell asleep, and woke up in the middle of the night.  I had to pee.  I got up out of bed and for some reason thought that I could walk.  UGH – OUCH!  Obviously, I couldn’t walk.  And that severely pissed me off and made me cry again.  The weepiness carried over into the morning and the lady from the bank made me cry over something neither her nor I had any control over.  I’ve been doing so well keeping my feelings in check too!  I guess they just got the better of me.

Friday was my first day really getting out of the house.  I went to Wal-Mart, Best Buy, and the grocery store.  Those stores just about killed me.  Although I sucked up all of my pride and rode the scooter around Wal-Mart, I crutched around Best Buy and the grocery store, and it seemed like we were in those forever.  I felt like such an idiot on the scooter.  It sucks, because usually I’m the first one to point and laugh at people on the scooters (the ones that really don’t need it and just use it because they are lazy), so me actually being on one, was something else.  Mom was laughing.  I was laugh-crying.  After my embarrassment faded (yes, it beeped when I had to back up …) the scooter ended up being kind of fun, and saved my body the exhaustion from having to crutch around the Wal-Mart.  Best Buy and the grocery store did not have scooters and I crutched around those stores for what seemed like hours.  My knee ended up swelling like crazy, so much so it felt like the skin was going to split open over my knee.  I tried to wrap it with an ace bandage, thinking compression would help, but my skin started to come out of the creases of the ace bandage.  All the vicodin in the world couldn’t help me at that moment.  I ended up putting my leg up on 2 or 3 pillows and laying my head down flat to elevate my leg about heart level and then icing it on the top and bottom of my knee.  After about 2 hours, there was some relief.  THANK GOD!

yeah .... that's a knee ....

Joey called me for about a minute last night (Friday night).  He couldn’t tell me anything; especially not where he was, but he could tell me that he was OK.  As ecstatic as I was about hearing his voice and that he is OK, something inside of me is still , well, I’m not even sure what the word I’m looking for is … but it just doesn’t feel right now knowing exactly where in the world he is.  I have no idea what country he is even technically in, and for some reason, that just seriously bothers me.  But I know that it is for the best that people on the mission don’t say where they are so that each soldier is kept safe.  I understand, but it stinks at the same time.  But he is OK and that is ALL that matters.  I started a new project for him ... I did it back when he was in basic and we couldn't talk all that much.  It is kind of like a journal - I will write to him in it every day and he can read it when he comes back.  He said he liked it when I did it before and would really like for me to do it again ... so that's what I'm doing!  :)

Today I did absolutely nothing.  And when I mean nothing, I mean nothing.  I slept until 12 in the afternoon, because really, what else is there to do?  Then I laid around in bed … and laid there some more.  I’m freaking bored.  It sucks to be dependent on other people.  My parents are being super by taking care of me and my dogs, and helping me in whatever I need to get done.  It’s just awful to lie around.  Yeah, I can crutch to the bathroom, kitchen, and the living room, but that’s about it.  So, I can either watch TV in my room, or watch TV in the living room.  I can play XBOX in my room, or WII in the living room.  Pretty exciting, eh?  I’m getting pretty bored with it all.  Wouldn’t it be nice to go for a walk?  Or a drive?  You never know how much you miss something until it is gone.  That can go for both Joey and walking.

Cosmo and Elaine have been bored also.  Elaine just wants to play fetch and Cosmo wants to do something.  They’ve been sleeping on daddy’s side of the bed.  Cosmo has been sleeping on Joey’s pillow.  It’s cute and sad all at the same time.  I’m glad I have the dogs to keep me company during the day; I think I would go crazy if I was actually by myself. 

And that’s pretty much it.  I really wish something could just pick me up and put me in Joey’s arms though.  I just feel like one big hug from him would make me feel better.  R&R better get here fast.