What To Do? What To Do?

To Move or Not To Move?  That is the question.

Remember a while ago when I posted about my endless and exhaustive job searching, which led to no results.  Well, finally, I got some results.  The only catch is that it is 2 hours away.  I have been looking, tirelessly, to find a place to live.  I called over 25 landlords last week, and I was either too young (they only wanted people 60 and over), couldn’t have my dogs, there were none available, or they were closets.  Awesome.

Today my aunt called to tell me she found an apartment.  But again, there is a catch!  I’m a cripple and can’t get up there to see it myself, so I have to wait.  Waiting is not a problem for me, but it’s a problem for the landlord.  He wants his apartment filled, and I honestly don’t blame him.  So, I guess it is a waiting game until I can get up there to see it.  We are thinking next Monday.  Let’s also hope that I actually have a job still waiting for me by then also.

It is also very hard to make a decision like this without talking to your husband.  The last time I talked to him (about 5 days ago) he told me to do whatever makes me happy.  Teaching makes me happy.  Leaving my family does not.

On top of all of this madness, there is just one thing that keeps tearing at my edges.  What is something happened?  Sure we all know that I am a klutz, and my knee ligaments tear like paper … but that is not exactly what I mean.  I guess it is hard to say it bluntly, but what if I am all alone, 2 hours away from my family, and there is a knock on my door … from the men in the black SUVs?  I can’t imagine it.  And I don’t really want to think about it.  Because I’m definitely sure that it is most certainly not going to happen.  But I know that it is a reality that I have to think about.  What would I do?  Would I collapse on the floor?  Would I sit catatonically, waiting for my family to make the 2 hour drive to come get me? 

I wrote a post a while ago about all the what if’s in life and how we need to stop thinking “What If?” … but right now it is so hard.  And it is ALL that I can think about. 

Why can’t things in life just be easy?