The Aftermath Of Yesterday ...

… And there’s always something pathetic about loneliness.  I’d experienced it myself.  I would ferociously deny I was pathetic, but when I viewed loneliness in someone else, I could feel the tug of pity.” 

-Sookie Stackhouse

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Yes, I feel lonely sometimes.  Yesterday more so than ever because it was my 4 year wedding anniversary.  And how did I celebrate you might wonder.  Well, obviously I celebrated by being a complete bitch to everyone around me and wanted to eat everything that wasn’t nailed down.  Now really, what did that do?  Honestly, it did nothing but piss off the people around me and make me more miserable.  So I stayed in my bed, snuggled up to my dogs, and thought about pathetically putting on Joey’s ACU top and wallowing in my misery.  I was pathetic.

On our last anniversary, Joey was in AIT and we were apart then, but at least we could talk.  This year, he’s in Afghanistan, and again we’re apart (obviously) and there was no talking.  He signed online for a couple of minutes on August 3^rd, to tell me he was OK and happy anniversary.  Why that wasn’t good enough for me, I’m not sure, but I really wanted to hear it on our day.  So I slept by my phone, carried it around with me everywhere, checked it every 5 minutes, and stared at it with some sort of menacing hope that it would ring.  My phone didn’t ring at all yesterday. 

I should feel selfish.  I should be upset with myself that I acted so childish.  But since I never act like that, I’m not sure that I do.  Is it selfish to hope that your husband will call you and say happy anniversary, even though he is in a war zone?  Well, when I put it like that, yes … but I don’t think it is selfish to hope.  People look at me and say “you’re so strong … I could never do what you do … blah blah blah” … but yesterday I did not have a strong day and I’m sure everyone could do what I did; snap at people and have a mean look on my face all day.  I think that I am stronger than most in some  ways (you know, not seeing him for so long, going through 2 knee surgeries without him, losing my job and trying to find one all while not being able to walk … just some examples to throw out there…) but yesterday I just didn’t want to get out of bed.

So thank you to my friends that understand me, and understand that yesterday was really hard.  Thank you to my friends that understand that Joey was on a mission, he is in constant danger, and although I don’t think about it often, I do think about it.  And I’m sorry to everyone that I snapped at, and for being a Debbie Downer.  To anyone that really knows me; they know I am usually never like that, so I must have been in rare form yesterday. 

But we are all entitled to an off day, aren’t we?